3 years ago, I would have laughed in your face had you told me I’d be “here” today. And by here, I mean in this body, living this life, dealing with the emotional and mental turmoil that I deal with, and battling so harshly with my mental health.
2014 was a good year.
I was given a clean bill of health after nearly dying. I packed my bags and moved across country, back to my hometown, to be close to my Dad. And I met the man I’d eventually marry. It didn’t come without heartache, as 2014 was the year I lost my best friend to suicide.
In early 2015, something happened to me. It’s called life, but it was a life and lifestyle I had never, in my 29 years, experienced. Everything I was, everything I had worked my whole life for, everything I had accomplished came crashing down around me. For the first time in my life, I was made to feel worthless. Unworthy of love, respect, passion. I went from confident and headstrong to extremely self-conscious and always sad. Two years later, none of that has changed. And the worst part is, I gave someone the power to destroy me. I trusted them not to but they did it anyways. Telling them what they had done to me… it made absolutely no difference to them. They felt no need to change. But I should never ask someone to change, right? The whole damn thing is confusing.
Everyday I battle flashbacks, feelings of heartbreak, not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being skinny enough, not being fit enough, not being everything I “should” be.
I KNOW THAT I “SHOULD” BE EVERYTHING *I* WANT TO BE.
I am smart enough to know I should never give anyone power over me. But in a weak moment, I did, and now I’m so broken I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hell hole.
Others see me as an inspiration. I’m always offering advice, helping others, and I have several people who reach out to me when they are suicidal, because they know I get it.
I get it, because I allowed someone to break me SO much, that I no longer wanted to live.
I think about what God wants for me. I read my Bible often and realize that what I want from life is how the Bible says I should be living anyways. Go ahead, those of you who are not of belief can judge me, but this is my blog and these are my beliefs.
I started college in the fall of 2016 and I’m taking it seriously this time. I’m setting goals and I’m obtaining them. I’m slowly learning to take care of me.
Now, I need more people in my life who are supportive and loving. I want to make friends and be social- because that’s who I am, and that’s what I allowed someone to take away from me.
I’ve had some regain over the last two years, and it’s time to work on me. I got a crappy diagnosis yesterday because there have been certain ways I can’t take care of myself. That ends now. And if I’m horrible for putting myself first- so fucking be it. I don’t need you in my life if that’s how you feel.
Learning to love yourself is one of the hardest things to do. It’s something all of us struggle with. I loved myself, and what I stood for, until someone ripped that away, along with my smile and my laughter.
It’s time to take those things back!
It’s already February, but surgery in December held me back tremendously. I’m ready for a lifestyle change, a new attitude, and a new confidence. I know it’s an uphill battle, and it will not be easy… but I WILL GET THERE. I have been through enough, and survived it, to let someone destroy me.